Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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