if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
