remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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