Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
