someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
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Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
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I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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