I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
