Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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