The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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