I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
