Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
