is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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