I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My life is pants optional.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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