i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
