Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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