Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
