Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
