I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
