You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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