Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
