This girl is more easily done than said...
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
