nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have fence marks all over my body
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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