and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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