You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
