I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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