what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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