Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
