I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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