She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
