and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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