so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
