Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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