A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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