What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
