I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
