Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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