We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
