I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
you made out with another girl for some wings
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