i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My feet surprised me
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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