she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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