areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
