The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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