I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
