I met the friendliest cop last night
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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