She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
