How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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