After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
