just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
