every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
