I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
