My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
