How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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