it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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