this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
