you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
