Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
