My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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