its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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